Satire: Beware premature college emails and their flood-like spam


Alivia Baker

Relate with writer Tessa Shinden in this satirical piece on how the flood of emails from prospective colleges can throw one into the water too early, carrying students unnecessarily down the river towards application decisions.

Tessa Shinden, Writer

Pencils down! After finishing your copy of the Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test (PSAT) you decide to check off the box to receive emails regarding specific colleges and their related information. After all, what’s the harm in learning about future schools if the emails are minimal? 

Soon after, however, a noticeable surplus of “junk” mail begins to flood your inbox. Without any warning, it becomes impossible to sort through the catastrophe that has become premature emails and what they deem “necessary” information.

An abundance of digital flyers, live stream offerings and simple “We’re interested!” notifications now hold usual emails hostage with their incessant repetition. No matter what kind of links they offer or the alumni they brag about, these messages are all of an extremely similar nature. When a student hears from 20 different schools that they “belong there”, they probably don’t need to “discover why”. 

Emails from these wide ranges of schools are not only messy but extremely anxiety inducing. On a larger scale, the thought of applying to a university or even thinking about applying to a university is daunting to any teenager, especially wide-eyed underclassmen fresh out of a college and career seminar. 

On a smaller scale, the stress is easily imaginable. One can simply picture a sophomore frantically sorting through their inbox, on the hunt to look for the mail they desperately want to acknowledge. The chances of them actually finding what they are looking for are slim to none. 

If a college deems their information as important and their emails indispensable, there is certainly a preferable method to delivering these, rather than a premature flood. Physical mail, alone, says a lot more to potential students about the standards of the school, especially if it is not delivered nine times a day. Frankly, it can say a lot about a college if they’re begging for students.

Contrary to popular belief, some could argue that these emails provide information to those who don’t know about their university options. After all, it is an ego boost to be desired by so many schools. But what’s really important—a person’s future or their level of annoyance?

If all else fails, at least the myriad of push notifications can make any person look popular. But at the root of the issue, a student’s inbox should have room for important emails, like coupons. 

What do you think?