As the holiday season fades into memory, millions of people worldwide are gearing up for their annual tradition: making wildly ambitious New Year’s resolutions that they’ll abandon by Valentine’s Day. With bold proclamations of “New Year, New Me,” the masses are setting themselves up for the usual cycle of optimism, guilt and eventual apathy.
1. Exercise More and Get Fit
Ah, the gym: January’s busiest hotspot. With memberships skyrocketing, you can expect every treadmill to be taken by someone awkwardly fumbling with the controls. But by mid-February, these same gyms resemble ghost towns, haunted by forgotten water bottles and unfulfilled dreams. Most people give up on their fitness goal by the second Friday of January — a day so infamous it’s now called “Quitters’ Day.” But hey, at least their new, worn only once, gym outfits, still look good, right?
2. Eat Healthier
On Jan. 1, everyone swears off sugar and vows to eat salads. By Jan. 7, though, the temptation of pizza and cookies proves too strong. “I’ll just have one cheat day,” they say, a phrase universally known to translate into “three cheat months.”
3. Save Money
This resolution always starts strong with people proudly declaring that this year they will save every penny. You promise yourself, “I’m gonna be financially responsible this year,” but then Target drops their Valentine’s Day merch, and suddenly your cart is full of heart-shaped mugs and string lights. A Statista survey shows that 52% of resolution-makers aim to save more money. Yet, their bank accounts stay looking like a desert — dry and empty. But hey, what’s the point of saving money if you can’t spend it all on $7 lattes and those cute Stanley cups? Budgeting is overrated anyways.
4. Learn a New Skill or Hobby
Everyone’s trying to be the main character, picking up knitting or the ukulele. But by February, those DIY kits are collecting dust, and Netflix is asking, “Are you still watching?” A YouGov survey reports that 25% of Americans resolve to learn something new. I guess binge-watching “The Office” for the fifth time counts as a hobby, right?
5. Spend Less Time on Social Media
“Social media is toxic. I’m logging off for good,” you post … ironically, on Instagram. Fast-forward three days, and you’re back to doom-scrolling TikTok at 2 a.m., laughing at memes about how you were going to quit. Pew Research says that nearly a third of people are online constantly, but honestly, if you didn’t post about your resolutions, did they even happen?
So there you have it: another year of high hopes and low follow-through. While resolutions may not last, at least they provide endless entertainment — and a booming January for gyms. So go ahead, make those bold promises. Just don’t be surprised when your resolutions expire before your holiday leftovers.
